Today my boss’ dad died.
I watched him sob loudly and publicly. I understood the language of his pain, I had felt it multiple times. A part of him was taken away. I could hear all of his regret and deep sorrow that came from the comprehension that his life had changed forever. No future actions could be taken in this relationship, evolution was now part the past.
When someone dies there is always regret: regret of not loving more; or not loving those that passed away the way they wanted to be loved, when they wanted to be loved.
The body fills up with guilt over every single action that didn’t come directly from the heart.
Relationships with our parents are never easy, but dads always die first and they take the strict hand they used in our childhoods and our adult distant actions that come with the deal.
Patty’s dad had left her mother with her and her older brother when they were very young, he had a new family, a new life, and he didn’t want to make space for them. Patty’s dad died whilst she was working, she broke out in tears and was unable to talk. She sobbed from the heart and despite despising him in day-to-day life, she still regretted.
Regretted not reaching out; regretted holding rencor towards him; regretted hating him. That part of her had died.
Felix’s dad hated that he was gay. Felix spent his life trying to prove himself to his father from a small town in rural Italy. When he made money, his dad learned to appreciate him and accept him, to respect him. Felix’s dad died when he went to try out painting for the first time. He heard the news on the phone from his boyfriend and broke out in sobs.
Pain stuck in his chest was released violently outside, unable to breathe, unable to speak, unable to understand. He had fought with his dad, he hadn’t picked up his mother’s call the day before and he hadn’t called back. The distance that had kept him from his parents who rejected him in childhood lost all meaning.
He regretted. Regretted not reaching out; regretted holding rencor; regretted hating him. That part of him was now dead and now frozen in time forever.
Love is all we care about, we keep our parents out because they do not love us the way we want. We believe they deserve it. But when death takes them, one of the biggest part of us disappears and we are unable to ever improve it or change it. We feel guilt because we loved them and we wanted them to love us but we were unable to build that bridge between us.
Love your way, and allow them to love you their way.
As soon as I left the office I sent a voicenote to my own dad in a different continent. I asked him to please stay alive for 40 more years, I made it into a joke knowing that what had happened today reminded me of his mortality; the great pain it would cause me for him to die; and my inability to attend his funeral due to stupid circumstances as are visas. Death just happens but maybe this joke could be his will to live should something ever happen (*knock on wood*).
PublicDiary 